審稿人會讓你感到絕望甚至想自殺的，當然，如果他們心情好的話，可能只需要你回到電腦前做一下修改。說真的，審稿人提出的那些無關緊要，毫無意義的問題和評論到底有什么用？

審稿人跟你的溝通要么熱情誠懇，要么鄭重其事，但是審稿人與期刊編輯之間的溝通就隨意多了。你知道審稿人在背著你說你的哪些壞話嗎？請往下看。

從2001年至2011年，《Environmental Microbiology》每年都會發布一份審稿意見集錦，讓人在嚴肅、認真的學術研究之余體會下審稿人的幽默與詼諧，這些審稿意見有的讓人開懷大笑，有的讓人哭笑不得，下面列舉了理文編輯最喜歡的幾條，讓大家見識一下什么叫史上最毒舌的最搞笑的審稿意見。

1. Reject——More holes than my grandad’s string vest!

拒發。漏洞比我爺爺的網眼背心上的網眼還多！

2. “Done! Difficult task, I don’t wish to think about constipation and faecal flora during my holidays! But, once a referee, always and anywhere a referee; we are good boy scouts in the research wilderness. Even under the sun and near a wonderful beach.”

搞定了！太不容易了。我才不想裝著一腦子便秘和糞便菌落來度假。但是，一朝做了審稿人，永遠都是審稿人，到哪兒都是審稿人。在科學研究的荒漠中，我們是勇敢的童子軍。即使在灑滿陽光的沙灘上也是。哼！

3. “This paper is desperate. Please reject it completely and then block the author’s email ID so they can’t use the online system in future.”

這篇論文爛到家了。請徹底拒稿，然后封了作者的賬號，免得他日后繼續投稿。

4. “The writing and data presentation are so bad that I had to leave work and go home early and then spend time to wonder what life is about.”

寫作水平和數據展示讓我整個人都不好了，我不得不提前下班，早點回家，甚至開始懷疑人生。

5. “The biggest problem with this manuscript, which has nearly sucked the will to live out of me, is the terrible writing style.”

這篇稿件的寫作風格太糟糕了，審得我都不想活了。

6. “The presentation is of a standard that I would reject from an undergraduate student.”

就算回到本科生時期，我都會拒掉這種水平的投稿。

7. “This paper is awfully written. There is no adequate objective and no reasonable conclusion. The literature is quoted at random and not in the context of argument. I have doubts about the methods and whether the effort of data gathering is sufficient to arrive at a useful conclusion.”

這篇論文寫得太爛了。目的不明確，結論不合理。引文都是亂引的，跟正文的論證完全對不上號。我懷疑這樣的實驗方法，也懷疑他們收集的數據不足以得出有效結論。

8. “Season’s Greetings! I apologise for my slow response but a roast goose prevented me from answering emails for a few days.”

節日快樂！回復慢了，真抱歉。有一只烤鵝妨礙我，讓我幾天都沒顧得上回郵件。

見識過了審稿人的毒舌和幽默，再來見識一下審稿人怎么夸人。但當審稿人遇到非常棒的論文，也會給出衷心的好評。

1.“Very much enjoyed reading this one, and do not have any significant comments. Wish I had thought of this one.”

這篇論文讀起來簡直是一種享受，沒有任何意見。這么好的點子我當初怎么沒想到！

2.“There was little I could think of to improve this nice paper.”

這篇論文好得我都不知道要怎么改了。

3.”This is as solid a write up as I have seen, many spend much more time and space to say considerably less. It is a perfect example of a compact report.”

這是我見過的最確鑿的報告，許多人花更多時間精力寫出來的比這個差多了。作為一篇翔實的報告，這是一個完美的例子。

4.”landmark paper on P. putida physiology.”

假單胞菌生理學研究的里程碑

5.”It is always a joy to review manuscripts such as this. Well conceived, well executed, well edited. Clean. Pristine. From start to finish.”

評審這樣的稿件是件人生樂事：構思周詳，實施得當，寫得漂亮。干凈，純樸，從頭至尾。

以上審稿意見摘自于Referees‘ quotes—2010. (2010) Environmental Microbiology。